TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town historically noted for historical lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be huge. Great!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed from your putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Some of the greatest. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and entirely out of spot. Intended by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable water. But Of course, certain, let us have An additional area wherever American Adult males can use robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although preceding negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: provide All people a suite around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is delicate electrical power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It can be that he need to end working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the challenge, replied, "You already know, guy, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping forms a giant Trump head seen from Area, a characteristic becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following locating the developing's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not only unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest element with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where attendees may perhaps ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing System: "Should you Bomb It, They'll Occur"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly Trump Tower Damascus divided. A new SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "wherever's the closest elevator into the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is previously attracting notice from Intercontinental investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll purchase three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may even include:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to check out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel where my PTSD may have flip-down company."


One more submit from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports recommend:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to construct a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Thoughts through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It needed gold. It required a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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